i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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