just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
