I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
