cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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