I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The Olympian is in my bed
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