Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize