We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Congratulations! We have a period
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