you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
As shirtless as possible
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
