i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
