When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
