I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
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This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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