HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
