Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
