community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
