This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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