Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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