the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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