Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Still dying that you shit outside
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
