I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
