My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
