I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
