Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
