Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
