Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
