I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
