I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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