Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
