I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
this beer tastes like vomit already
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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