a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
