You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
