I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I understand Curling. That high.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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