peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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