Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
