vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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