I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Randomize
