You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
