My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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