i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
