call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
