Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
