The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
