Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
