Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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