Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
