I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
