Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
