He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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