dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
