My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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