Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
