I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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