But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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