I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
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