I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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