so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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